Atlas of the Ancients SPOOF
by Return Of Itsy
Summary: I'm starting early on this one. So far I'm not impressed with the plot. This is /my/ version. Read at your own risk of brain cells.
1. Chapter 1

_Wow, it's been a while. I'm a bit rusty, I think. Either way, Itsy's back and thinks she can make an at least semi-funny spoof of this doomed to fail plot. Now, without further ado… *cracks knuckles* …here we goooo!_

**ATLAS OF THE ANCIENTS**

**Chapter 1**

Our setting: the lovely Shenkuu at dusk. Two children are running around aimlessly.

Yurble: Hey! Srow down! What's you hully?

Kacheek: …what?

Yurb: I said, srow down! What's you hully?

Kacheek: Uh…

Yurble: SROW DOWN. What are you, stupid? Can you not unnastand my ranguage? I speaking perflectly crear!

Kacheek: I only speak English!

Yurble: I speaking Engrish!

Kacheek: Look, just because we live in an Oriental-based land doesn't mean you have to adopt the stereotypical dialect of that culture.

Yurble: What you talking about? I no steleotype!

Kacheek: *sighs and shakes head* Look, It's getting late. If I'm not home before dark, I'll be in serious trouble!

Yurble: Awww, you scaled, rittle gir? You stop worry! There plenty of dayright reft!

Kacheek: I dunno…haven't you heard about the mysterious fire-breathing creatures that supposedly lurk around here after dark? I wouldn't want to run into one—

Yurble: Sirry gir, if cleature bleathing firar why you run into it?

Kacheek: Well I wouldn't do it on _purpose_, I'm just saying… My parents were telling me—

Yurble: You palents! Don't you see? They only terring you stolies of spooky monstels that rurk after dark to get you to do what they want! I can't berieve you so gurrible enough to far for it!

Kacheek: Okay, seriously, your talking…

Yurble: NOTHING WRONG WIV MY TALK. MY ENGRISH JUST FINE!!11!

Kacheek: Listen to yourself!

Yurble: You bling shame and dishonour upon me!

Kacheek: Shut up.

Yurble: I charrenge you to a Moltal Kombat!

Kacheek: …yeah. I'm going to go, um, walk over this way now before I'm seen with you.

Yurble: You reglet dis when you need halp on your math homework! I no be there to halp you!

(Atop a hill the wise old Gnorbu from the Lunar temple watches them longingly. He is distracted by a flower and bends down to sniff it. Old people are exciting, amirite?)

Gnorbu: *stands and looks off into the distance* Interesting…

(He returns to his temple where an apprentice is doing absolutely nothing important, because apprentices are useless. Srsly.)

Gnorbu: There's definitely something going on. I'm certain of it.

Wocky apprentice: Huhwut.

Gnorbu: It hasn't yet reached the point where the casual observer can pick up on it, but someone with a trained eye, like myself, and knowledge of such things, like myself, the signs are unmistakable.

Wocky: Huh. You're boring.

Gnorbu: I am full of knowledge. My white beard is proof of this. All wise men have beards like mine.

Wocky: You're old. And boring.

Gnorbu: I seem to vaguely recall the existence of an ancient tome…

Wocky: You smell like paper and death.

Gnorbu: The tome contained instructions for what to do in circumstances such as these.

Wocky: You're so old you don't even hear what I'm saying. Anyway, your book is right here. (holds it up)

Gnorbu: Now where did I put it…

Wocky: It's right here. In my hands. Pay attention, old man, I'm trying to advance the as of yet weak plot.

Gnorbu: Hmm. *looks through the tome* It appears as though this situation will require some travel and exploration, the likes of which my weary bones could not endure.

Wocky: You talk too much. And you're old.

Gnorbu: What did you say?

Wocky: I said you talk too much.

Gnorbu: Oh, why thank you, it _is_ a new robe!

Wocky: FFFFFFFFF…why must an extensive exploration occur for something minor that you _think_ is "going on"? Explain, old man!

Gnorbu: Idk! I'm just following the instructions in my 'How to Be a Learned and Wise Knower of Stuff: for Dummies'!

Wocky: Wat.

Gnorbu: It says that for all people who aspire to be that cliché Asian wise man who knows all the answers to everything ever, they must plunge a hapless explorer into harm's way for no other reason than because it will inevitably lead to a moral being learned in the end that the hapless explorer otherwise didn't know!

Wocky: Wat. Speak Engrish.

Gnorbu: In a nutshell, I have to do it for the lulz.

Wocky: Oh. Okay. Now what?

Gnorbu: I believe I know just the right person for the job…

(Scene switches to a familiar Lutari lounging on a beach chair at a resort. Beside him, a mentally incapacitated young Kougra chases around a buzz. A butler approaches the Lutari.)

Butler: Mr. Colchester, a message for you.

Kougra: Weeeeeeeee! *chases the buzz*

Roxton: Who, me?

Butler: Yes.

Roxton: Couldn't be.

Butler: Look, either take the message or leave it. Either way, I expect a tip.

Roxton: Bah, thieves… *grabs the message and reads it* Oooh, it's all fancy in cursive and stuff. Don't I feel special? :D

(Dramatic pulls-sunglasses-over-nose-maneuver to peruse the contents of the message)

Roxton: I say! Vacation's over, urchin. Let's get out of here.

Kougra (holding onto the buzz): I'm not an urchin. -_-

Roxton: Servant?

Kougra: Nope.

Roxton: Busboy?

Kougra: No.

Roxton: Sidekick?

Kougra: You're no superhero!

Roxton: I am God's gift to women. That's better than being a hero.

Kougra: …not that, either.

Roxton: Chicks dig the mustache.

Kougra: *cough* You mean pedostache *cough*

Roxton: Silence, urchin!

Kougra: My name is Jordie!

Buzz: LOLWUT

(TL;DR, Roxton and Urchin are in the Lunar temple where Old Gnorbu is being boring. Roxton is pimped out in his explorer gear and Urchin is wearing your stereotypical Chinese peasant hat. Because, you know, Shenkuu can totally be influenced by outside cultures from the real world. Way to make it believable, TNT.)

Gnorbu: Again, I'd like to express my great appreciation for your willingness to accept this mission.

Roxton: Yeah, I get it. Get to the point, plz?

Gnorbu: I assure you, circumstances in the weeks to come will rapidly become more and more dire.

Roxton: How dire are we talking? I won't lose my mustache, will I?

Gnorbu: Bringing someone of your caliber aboard, well… let's just say that settling for second best was an option I didn't want to consider.

Roxton: That bad, huh?

Gnorbu: Based upon my best interpretation of this tome, the journey of your party shall begin—

Roxton: Wait, wait, wait, what do you mean "based upon my best interpretation"? Are you saying you may not even be correct?

Gnorbu: That's right.

Roxton: So I could be placing myself in an extremely dangerous situation and possibly die or lose my mustache, and it would all be your fault?

Gnorbu: Yes. I can assure you that I would certainly be able to live with myself afterwards, so you need not worry about my moral regrets should you fail and die horribly.

Roxton: Pwn. Let's do it.

Gnorbu: You'll begin here—(points to an ancient map of Neopia)—in Shenkuu and proceed to the lands of Altador, Terror Mountain, and Faerieland…

Jordie: But we no fry! How we get to Faelierand?

Roxton: …the Hell? Since when do you talk like a…

Jordie: Fing pong fong dis hat make me talk rike I confuse my L's and my R's!

Roxton: You mean your R's and your L's?

Jordie: That's what I say! L and R!

Roxton: …right. Seriously, the spoof author is going to Hell for this.

Jordie: Sirence! You break fourth warr!

Roxton: Fourth war?

Jordie: No, forf warr!

Roxton: Furfwuh?

Jordie: Forfwa!

Roxton: Fuhblah blah?

Clara: Fourth wall. Idiot.

Gnorbu: Since I'm incapable of making such a voyage, my apprentice Clara will be making the journey with you and your urchin.

Jordie: NOT ULCHIN.

Roxton: With all due respect, Master, I'm not so sure that's a good idea. Clara here may be your star nerd, but this is no school field trip. There could be real danger…

Wocky (Clara): Like what.

Roxton: Like the inability to resist all _this_. ;D

Clara: Oh yeah. I can hardly contain myself.

Roxton: Don't try to hard to win my affections, now.

Clara: Bite me.

Roxton: You dig my 'stache. I saw you looking.

Gnorbu: Now, now, I am well aware of the risks, but I must insist… Miss Chatham is quite knowledgeable.

Clara: Yeah. Knowledgeable enough to steer clear of kooks like _you_.

Roxton: Don't deny the mustache. And the fluffy tail.

Clara: I'm not afraid of a little danger.

Roxton (muttering to Urchin): I have a bad feeling about this.

Jordie: Rady no rike you! You no have chance!

Gnorbu: Those are my terms, Mr. Colchester. Do we have a deal?

Roxton: Let's see. Danger, excitement and the chance to save the world…? Sounds like my kind of adventure. (shakes hands with Old Gnorbu)

(Scene changes to Clara, Roxton, and Urchin outside the temple)

Jordie (running off): Arright, I reave to pick up a few things. Be back soon!

Roxton: *tips hat to Clara* Well miss, I hope you know what you've gotten yourself into.

Clara: Funny, I was just wondering the same thing…

Roxton: You're feisty and independent. You must be a feminist and therefore not interested in men. No wonder my mustache had no effect on you!

Clara: Go die. *angry face*

Roxton: Don't deny the tension between us!

Clara: You're like, old enough to be my dad!

Roxton: Look past that! Look past that and focus only on our looooove!

Clara: GTFO.

Roxton: I'm going to keep bothering you like this until the next chapter.

Clara: *crosses arms* H8.


	2. Chapter 2

_So I got a few lovely comments on the previous chapter. For that, I thank you, readers. Itsy love you long time._

**ATLAS OF THE ANCIENTS**

**Chapter 2**

_Setting: For whatever reason, the gang is hiking along a mountain path. Wtf?_

Roxton: Watch your step, Miss Cheltham. These Mountain paths can be tricky.

Clara: It's Chatham.

Roxton: Not according to my speech bubble, it's not.

Clara: But…last chapter, it—

Jordie: TNT rike to fhruck wiv people! RMAO!

Clara: :T

Roxton: You look a little on edge… get it? _On edge_? Hahahaha I am SOOO funny!

*Crickets chirp*

Roxton: Is that a yes? :D

Clara: I laughed so hard I peed in my pants.

Roxton: Really?

Clara: No.

Jordie: I did. o.o;

Clara: Now, if you're through failing so epically, we've arrived at the boat rental stand. *points to the waiting boats*

Roxton: I believe they prefer the term "ship".

Clara: Right. Way to totally make yourself _not_ look like a pretentious, know-it-all asshole, Roxton.

Roxton: I try. ;D

Clara: *leans over to Jordie* Shoot me now.

Jordie: Onry if you shoot me filst. D:

Roxton (to the boat rental Kiko): Now then, good sir, what sort of ship will this get us?

Kiko: *grabs the bag of offered Neopoints and points to a ship behind him* Well this here's the best boat, err…ship we got.

Jordie: You talk rike a Western douchebag!

Roxton: *siiiigh* I suppose it'll have to do for me and my massive wealth and unwarranted self-importance. U_U

(Scene changes to them sailing through the sky on their magic flying boat)

Boat: Oooh, look at me, I'm animated in this panel! 8D

Roxton: I'm on a boat, I'm on a boat! Everybody look at me 'cause I'm sailing on a—!

Clara: NO.

Jordie: DO NOT WANT.

Roxton: *emo*

Clara: Thank you, author, for you have epitomized all the internet disease that is killing this generation's youth.

Me: How do I typed spoof? D:

Jordie: BACK TO PROT, PREASE.

Clara: Right… It looks like we've got a choice to make…

Roxton: Diet or regular?

Clara: No.

Roxton: Red pill or blue pill?

Clara: No.

Roxton: Bleach or detergent?

Clara: Roxton… T_T

Roxton: Sorry. Continue plz.

Clara: We can take the most direct route to Altador, but judging by all the wind currents and lunar cycle stuff (which I honestly don't see _how_ ties into weather patterns) and the amount of moisture and—

Roxton and Jordie: OKAY WE GET IT.

Clara: I predict we'll hit some severe storms.

Roxton: How severe? Will I lose my mustache?

*Crickets chirp*

Roxton: Ha…that joke will never get old. ^_^

Clara: I suggest we take an alternate route.

Roxton: You know, if I needed a navigator I would've hired one in Shenkuu.

Clara: It'd be safest.

Roxton: Miss Cheltham…_who_ are you talking to again?

Clara: …we take the direct route? :c

Roxton: We take the direct route, baby.

_A few hours later…_

Lightning: KRAKOOOOOM! Ha, see? I'm scary.

Roxton: The winds…we're going down!!!

Storm: Take that, pedostache!

Roxton: NOOOOOO!

Clara: That way…toward the clearing! *points*

(Scene changes to them all standing in the rain, soaked beyond a point that's probably comfortable.)

Clara: Ugh, I'm so wet. D:

Roxton: *eyebrow raise* Heh heh, I bet I could—

Clara: Roxton, if you say one word, I will kill you so hard you die to death.

Roxton: :x

Clara: Instead of a navigator, we probably should've hired a real pilot.

Jordie: Ooh, burn.

Roxton: We'd better find some shelter…

Random Cave: OOH LOOKIT ME I'M CONVENIENTLY PLACED HERE FOR YOUR USE!

All: YAY

Random Cave: Check it outs I has mad awesum cave drawings!

Clara: Oh, fascinating! :o

Roxton: *wrings out his hat* We've seen these before during our travels. They're primitive drawings, quite common throughout Neopia.

Clara: Wow, that has to be the most intelligent thing to ever come out of your mouth.

Roxton: Well, I don't mean to brag but I…

Jordie: Shut up. Srsly.

Clara: Look at that one over there! *points to a primitive drawing of a flaming…it looks just like a Meerca but apparently it's not. Way to fail, TNT artists* It's like…some sort of fire creature! What could it be? A forerunner of today's fire Neopets?

Jordie: …it rooks rike a Meelca, on firar.

Clara: No, Jordie, it MUST be a forerunner of today's fire Neopets.

Jordie: But it…rooks rike a Meelca.

Clara: DAMMIT JORDIE.

Jordie: OMG I SORRY ;~;

Roxton: Well judging by the retarded expression on its face, I'd say it's one of _your_ early ancestors.

Clara: Hahahaha. Ha. I peed my pants again.

Roxton: Really?

Clara: No.

Jordie: (Whoops) ._.;

Clara: Well _I_ think it's a distant relative of a creature like a flaming Meerca.

Roxton: But no one really cares what _you_ think.

Clara: Bish I will cut you.

Jordie: You don't really think the fire creature myth is true, do you?

Roxton: o.O

Jordie: What? I took my hat off…

Clara: Call me crazy if you like… but I do.

Roxton: Okay. You're crazy. Now if you're through filling up the kid's head with faerie tales, maybe we could get back to saving Neopia from certain doom.

_AUTHOR INTERUPPTION HERE_

_I'm sorry, but I'm still kind of lost as to this whole "certain doom" stuff. Enlighten me, please? Chapter one was rather lacking. __**Wtf**__ is going on and how did certain DOOM come about in the course of like, six panels?_

Roxton: I hate to break the forfwa but—

Jordie: Fourth wall. :D

Roxton: Fuhblah blah but you'll have to take that up with the goons at TNT. I can gets back to the spoof plz?

_Me: Continue._

Roxton: As I was condescending moments ago… Clara, you may be able to predict the weather, but you and I both know that's no ordinary storm out there—

Storm: I'M RAGIN' MUTHAF*CKAAAAZ~!!11!

Roxton: We've got to…

*Guttural growling emanates from the back of the cave*

*Generic 'GRRRRRRRRRR'*

Jordie: What's that?

Roxton: Idk, my bff Ji—?

Clara: NO.

*A pair of evil red eyes (ooh, animated! :D) appears from the cave darkness*

Pair of eyes: *OMINOUS BLINKING*

Roxton: Disembodied eyes! RUN!

*GROOOAAARRRRRRRRBLAFARAAAGHHH!!!*

All (running out of the cave): Aaaaahhhhhh!

Jordie: AAAAAHHH… hey it stopped raining! :D

Roxton: Don't worry, Clara! My mustache and I will protect you!

Clara: O_O *runs back for the cave*

**End Ch. 2**


	3. Chapter 3

And on it goes…

ATLAS OF THE ANCIENTS

Chapter 3

Setting: Our group is flying over Altador, where an old Aisha is sitting on a dock, happily fishing. Around him, waves are crashing, water's a-churning, and much drama is to be had.

Aisha: I'mma catch me a fish, yessuh I is. :D

Jordie (leaning over the boat's side): Wow, rook at those waves!

Roxton: Urchin! Get away from there! I can't risk getting my mustache wet if you fall overboard!

Jordie: NOT ULCHIN.

Angry waves: We takes yu into the waterz nao. *washes the old Aisha into the sea*

Aisha: OH NOES. HALP PLZ.

Roxton: Here, catch this! *flings a rope down*

Aisha: I CAN'T SEE. MY EYES ARE LITTLE SLITS.

Roxton: Damn those Aisha eyes…

*Rope thwacks him in the face*

Aisha: OOF—found it. x-x

Roxton: We have saved your life, old man. We demand payment in the form of dry cleaning coupons.

Aisha: …what?

Roxton: How else am I supposed to keep my fluffy tail so freshably, touchably soft?

Clara: Roxton those aren't even real words. MS Word disapproves.

Roxton: Then add them to the dictionary!

Aisha: In all my years of fishing on these docks, I've never seen anything like these waves… thank you.

Waves: You can't escape us forever, old man…

Clara: So I was studying the tome and… well, I came across this passage which I think might be a clue—

Roxton: Yeah that's nice Clara…has anyone ever told you how utterly boring you are? I mean seriously, you have the biggest speech bubbles out of all of us. You talk and talk but you don't _say_ anything.

Clara: I'm just following the script. :(

Jordie: You getting off topic! What crue you talking about?

Clara: It says, "The selfless hunter remains, one step ahead of the wandered, and the guardian of the dawn."

Roxton: By Jove, I'm stumped. We can't possibly continue!

Clara: It's referring to the twelve heroes of Altador. :|

Roxton: Well why didn't you say so before?

Clara: T_T

Roxton: I'll ask you kindly not to speak in emoticons.

Clara: T______T

Roxton: …I'm stumped. D:

Clara: *sigh* Each of the heroes has a corresponding constellation. Maybe the riddle has something to do with how the three heroes' constellations line up.

Roxton: Yeah, just go ahead and give the Neopets players a step-by-step method of figuring out the next plot step. Nevermind actually having to work it out.

Clara: Stfu pedostache. I don't hear YOU coming up with any ideas.

Roxton: I'm too distracted by my greatness.

Clara: Well Roxton, you've left no doubt now that you're a total tool.

Roxton: See, I knew you liked me. ;3

Clara: UGH! Observatory, now!

Roxton: I like it when a woman takes charge.

Clara: Please go die.

Roxton: YOU CAN'T DENY ME FOREVER.

_Later that evening…_

(Clara gazes through a big-ass telescope inside the Observatory, the other two standing around uselessly.)

Roxton: Any luck yet?

Clara: Well maybe if you'd shut up I can concentrate.

Roxton: Now you're just being mean to me. U_U

Jordie: I say we setter dis over a bowr of fry rice.

Roxton: Silence, urchin.

Jordie: I knocka you in da wontons. Den you be solly you dislespect me!

Roxton: Noes, not my wontons!

Clara: Silence, both of you! Arguing won't solve anything!

Jordie: Everything can be solved with fry rice!

Clara: I'm really getting sick of this Asian stereotype.

Jordie: Sirry gir, what's Asia?

Roxton: So a dead end, eh? I told you so. Allow me to do the accompanying jig. *techno beat emanates from virtually nowhere as he dances*

Clara: You can suck it, Roxton. Unlike the theory you don't even _have_, my idea at least gave us a shot of figuring out what to do!

Roxton: *pauses the dance* As it happens I DO have a theory… Quick, urchin, my handy-dandy notebook.

Jordie: Bratant rip-offed idea of cherished chirdren's terevision icon, coming up!

Roxton: *flips through it* See? I drew in orange crayon, to match my fur. :D

Clara: Oh how proud you must be.

Roxton: Ahem… I've been giving that passage you read a lot of thought. Simply put, I think the key we're looking for might be in the Hall of Heroes.

Clara: Hall of Heroes? Mr. Colchester, I do believe you've read one too many adventure stories.

Roxton: I read it on the internet! It _must_ be true.

Clara: *forehead/palm*

Roxton: Besides, we tried it your way. Now it's my turn.

Jordie: Ooh! OOH! I know where I get something to halp the mission! I meet you at Harr of Heloes when I done! *scampers off* :D

Roxton: Aww, I knew he'd be useful for something one day. *sniff*

(Scene changes to the three standing amidst all the statues of the Heroes.)

Clara: …now what?

Roxton: Now, we find a dark spot. *eyebrow raise*

Clara: Hey…wait a second. I thought the Darkest Faerie's statue was destroyed. Why is it wholly undamaged in this panel? D:

Roxton: Quick! To the Atlas of the Ancients boards! *runs off with Jordie*

Clara (standing by herself): But what about the…plot? Yu gaiz? Srsly? :c


	4. Chapter 4

Oh God now what. Q_Q

**ATLAS OF THE ANCIENTS**

**Chapter 4**

_Setting: The gang is heading back to the ship from the Observatory._

Roxton: So much for me and my ridiculous theories now, eh?

Clara: I'm too smart and scholarly for this crap.

Roxton: So, where to next, mademoiselle?

Clara: Pretending you know a foreign language isn't going to impress me.

Roxton: You're right. If I want to impress you I ought to buy you a year's subscription to Nerdy Bitch Weekly, right?

Clara: WHY YOU—

Roxton: I kid. :D

Clara: *huff* The tome says Hell.

Roxton: Hell? Huh…that doesn't sound right.

Clara: Trust me, Roxton. If the tome says you should _go to Hell_, maybe you should follow its advice.

Roxton: Okay, then. You're the smart one. Off I go! *off he goes*

Clara: …*snerk* *holds back laughter*

Jordie: Ooh, rady do a bad thing. :o

Clara: He'll notice eventually, right? In the mean time, let's go.

*OMG FAERIELAND*

Jordie: Woooow, Faelierand!

Clara: Oh, my, I don't remember especially foreboding clouds hovering over Faerieland. I don't remember lightning storms being common in Faerieland, either! But who cares? I have a slushie! :D

Jordie: I sense evil apploaches.

Roxton: HEY! *runs up panting*

Clara: Oh, great…

Roxton: You—*pant* You tricked me! There were no clues in Hell! Just a bunch of little demon things that tried ripping off my mustache! It was horrible, I tell you!

Clara: How did you get all the way up here?

Roxton: It wasn't easy, lemme tell ya… I'll be really sore in some places—

Clara: OKAY I think that's quite enough. Since you didn't die like I'd hoped, I guess we'll have to continue.

Roxton: Aww, you missed me, didn't you? :3

Clara: No.

Roxton: Aww, really?

Clara: Yes.

Roxton: Yes, you missed me?

Clara: NO.

Roxton: You're pretty when you're yelling at me. C8

Clara: I hope you get struck by lightning.

Lightning: HAHAHA PSYCHE! *strikes Jordie*

Jordie: Akasfjishgihdjhdg;w

Clara: Oh no, JORDIE!

Roxton: Oh no, URCHIN!

Jordie: x___O *lies there twitching*

Roxton: Hmm, cooked Kougra doesn't smell as good as it sounds… *pulls out a bag of marshmallows*

Clara: Jordie, are you all right?

Roxton: *roasts a marshmallow over Jordie's scorched fur*

Jordie: Fglalsdjklsdjfd.

Clara: Roxton, a little courtesy?

Roxton: What, did you want one? I've got a whole bag.

Clara: We've got a hurt little kid on our hands.

Roxton: What, you mean he didn't just suddenly become this way like a good urchin so I could roast my marshmallow?

Clara: …lightning, please strike me, too. Please.

Jordie: Haaaalp, plzzzzz? ;_;

Roxton: Oh, fine, we'll take you to the healing springs. Maybe we can figure out something there!

Clara: Maybe you'll fall in and drown!

Roxton: Do you know CPR? ;D

Clara: Just grab Jordie. We've got a crummy plot to finish.

(Scene changes to them at the Springs)

Roxton: Well, my marshmallow is only half-cooked now. You better be feeling better at least, urchin.

Jordie: Refreshed and revived! These springs, it's like they're magic!

Roxton: Wait! Clara, what was that passage?

Clara: Wow, are you actually trying to focus? It says, "With thoughts on the seasons, find the source that lies beyond the seeker of peace."

Roxton: By Jove, I've got it!

Clara: You've figured out the riddle?

Jordie: You know what step to take next?

Clara: We're finally moving forward?

Roxton: None of those. I just wanted to act like I was contributing. :(

Clara: …*EXPLETIVE*

Jordie: Well, what does your speech bubble say!?

Roxton: Wha? *looks above his head* Hmm… OH! Oh, I got it! "Thoughts on the seasons," what are the seasons? Summer, spring—that's it! Spring!

Jordie: I don't get it. :\

Roxton: What are you currently bathing in, urchin mah boy?

Jordie: Uuh, um, er…water?

Roxton: Yes, but what _kind_ of water?

Jordie: Uh, spring water?

Roxton: Exactly! There's your answer.

Jordie: …could I have a hint?

Roxton: Jordie, that's it. It's spring. It's a season but you're also in one and…nevermind. I'm just gonna grab onto this spout now and assume I won't be punished for property damage.

*SPLASH*

*Pissed-off water faerie emerges from the water*

Water faerie: Roxton Colchester! How dare you show your mustache around here!

Roxton: Aw c'mon… you're not still MAD about that, are you? Hehe…

Water Faerie: Your little treasure hunt last time left a huge mess for me to clean up! It took me over a month to refill the springs!

Roxton: Hey, what can I say? If you don't want the cleanup afterward don't host wild parties. :D

Clara: Ugh, Roxton, we don't have time for this! *flings slushie at water faerie…WTF srsly*

Water Faerie: Gaahhh! Slushies! My one weakness!

Jordie: It's okay, you're swimming in an entire healing spring!

Clara: RUN.

Roxton: Let's hope we won't have to come back here for a healing anytime so—!

Clara: Yeah? Go on…

Roxton: O.O

Clara: Uh…Roxton?

Roxton: MY MUSTACHE. IT'S GONE IN THIS PANEL. WRRYYYYY, THE ARTISTS FORGOT TO DRAW IT, NOOOO.

Jordie: The healing springs also cures ugly facial hair, didn't you know?

**END CH. 4 (but seriously...his mustache is _gone_)  
**


	5. Chapter 5

_On a unicorn that sh*ts your name in stars._

**ATLAS OF THE ANCIENTS**

**Chapter 5**

_Scene: The gang is back aboard their boat—err, ship. Their ship's cabin. Roxton is in a hammock and Clara is sitting on a bed, leaving poor Jordie to stand. Bastards._

Roxton: Quick thinking with the slushie back there, Clara. I was in some hot water back there.

Jordie: Actually, the water was lovely. :D

Roxton: …shut up, urchin.

Clara: You owe me 608 Neopoints for that slushie, by the way.

Roxton: Why such an odd number?

Clara: That's all I could haggle it down to. *sad face* I'll want payment as soon as we get off the boat next.

Roxton: Aw, srsly? :(

Clara: Srsly.

Jordie: O, RLY?

Clara: YA, RLY.

Jordie: NO WAI

Roxton: …shut up, urchin.

Clara: Tsk, don't be so mean. Jordie, are you all right? :c

Jordie: Yeah, just feeling a little under the weather. I'm going outside to try and regain some of my color.

_Script Writer: *ahem* Your what?_

Jordie: My…my color. o_O

_Script Writer: You __what?_

Jordie: My co—

_Script Writer: NO. YOUR WHAT!?_

Jordie: My COLOUR. THERE. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?

_Script Writer: *slinks away into the darkness* I've got my eyesssss on you…_

Roxton: Good idea, Jordie. You're positively blue! Hahahahaha! Get it? You guys get it? Blue? 'Cause he's literally blue? Heh… man, I'm hilarious.

Clara: Um…right. I am going to pointedly ignore you now. *examines the fountain spigot* Hmmm… I wonder what this does?

Roxton: It squirts water, duuuuh.

Clara: Thank you, Captain Obvious. I meant the button _on_ the spigot. Maybe I should push it.

Roxton: Heh…can I push the button on YOUR spigot? Hehehehe…giggity gig.

Clara: Roxton, I am going to ram this oddly-shaped and sharp, intricately pointed spigot so far up your butt you'll be tasting it in your mouth for weeks.

Roxton: That kind of language is NOT appropriate for our spoof readers, young lady. I'm going to have to spank you.

Clara: Roxton, I'm going to hold my fist out now. I want you to run into it as fast and as hard as possible, got it?

Roxton: Ooh, a face spanking. I like how you think. ;3

Clara: Yeah, let's go with that. *punches Roxton in the mouth*

Roxton: Fgsfdsskljakj *drops to the ground*

Clara: Now perhaps I can examine this thing without any lewd comments on the side. *presses button*

Spigot: *opens up*

Clara: Ooh, cool beans!

Spigot: Free at last!

Clara: Gasp, a talking spigot!

Spigot: I come with three different settings. ;D

Clara: T__T *closes it without a word, stands and goes to find Jordie*

_(Outside…Mother Nature is flinging virtually every natural disaster she can at the poor boa—wait, ship. Yeah, ship. *koff*)_

Lightning: *KRAKOOOOOMMMM*

Tornadoes: *FWOOSH*

Lightning: Ha, your sound effects suck, tornadoes.

Ship: Oh noes, halp. I is being attacked by destructive forces!

Clara: Damn, we just can't catch a break. Can you freaking _believe_ this?

Mother Nature: Take some pirates, too, bitch.

Clara: OH, COME ON.

Roxton: Sky pirates? Golly gee willickers, Batman, what'll they think of next?!

Clara: *turns around* o_O I thought I knocked you unconscious…

Roxton: You'll never be too far from me, twig limbs. I'm Roxton A. Colchester. The 'A' stands for AWESOME.

Clara: Excellent…now if you don't mind, WE'RE BEING BOMBARDED WITH TORPEDOES.

Incoming Torpedo: Check it out, they painted a menacing face _and_ a skull and crossbones on me, so I'm _twice_ as gay. ;D

Pirates: Y'arr, we be havin' no originality. U_U

Roxton: Apparently no aim, either. Your torpedo missed us by ten feet and you're, what, twelve meters away?

Pirates: Arr, shut up. We're sensitive. )':

Jordie: Are we there yet!?!?

Clara: Afraid not…this is just the beginning! *points to more tornadoes, lightning, and pirates in the distance*

Roxton: Oh, balls.

Jordie: THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR NOT STEERING, DUMBASS.

Roxton: But I used autopilot! How could it fail me?

Clara: It was developed by Microsoft.

Roxton: *shakes fist* Curse you, Windows! Grab something to hold on to, chaps! We've got a bumpy ride ahead of us…

Tornadoes: Nothing can save you now!

Pirates: ALL YOUR BASE!!1

Jordie: …I guess this can't be settled over fried rice. D:

**End Ch. 5**


	6. Chapter 6

Gotta get dat.

**ATLAS OF THE ANCIENTS**

**Chapter 6**

_Setting: The gang is in the Happy Valley/Terror Mountains region. Whichever. Does it matter?_

Roxton: I see it, but I don't believe it.

Clara: The ice is melting. This is bad.

Terror Mountain: No shit, Sherlock. I'm f***ing MELTING. HELP.

Clara: It's just as the tome predicted!

Old Gnorbu: I TOLD YOU I WAS WISE. I KNEW I INTERPRETED IT CORRECTLY. TOUCH MY BEARD FOR WISDOM.

Roxton: Where the F&%# did YOU COME from?

Old Gnorbus: Ninja poof! *poof*

Roxton: …how he do dat?

Jordie: It ancient Asian seclet! Onry the wisest know howa neenja poof!

Clara: We're wasting time, you idiots.

Roxton: Then what are we waiting for? Let's get moving!

_(Scene changes to them walking along a precarious mountain path…again)_

Roxton: Careful guys, these trails are especially slipp—

Clara: WHOOPS I SLIPPED. *throws self off the edge*

Roxton: OI! *grabs her hand* OMG OUR HANDS ARE TOUCHING. :DDD

Clara: DAMMIT, ROXTON.

Roxton: What, no 'thank you' for saving your life?

Clara: I did it on _purpose_, you dolt, to spare myself from the rest of this horrible plot!

Roxton: Oh, no you don't! If I'm suffering through this plot, then so are you!

Clara: :(

Roxton: Now how about a 'thank you'? You know, like, maybe in the form of a kiss—

Clara: *fist/face*

Roxton: AUGH, MY PERFECT TEETH.

Clara: Maybe you'll think twice before saving my life.

Roxton: …what kind of f***ed up chick _are_ you? Damn! It's hot…

Jordie: Actuarry, I'm fleezing my butt off. We build firar nao? D:

Roxton: That's now what I meant, Jordie, I meant Clara's attitude—n-nevermind.

Jordie: Firar pleez!?!

Roxton: Sure, Jordie. *winks in Clara's direction*

Clara: Ugh. *eyeroll*

Roxton: You're in good _hands_ with me. *wink wink nudge nudge*

Clara: God, Roxton, you fail so hard at innuendos.

Roxton: Frankly, I just fail at failing. ._.

_MEANWHILE…in a more boring part of the comic page…_

_The gang is all sleeping around a fire. How quaint, no?_

*FIREBALL FLIES THROUGH THE AIR*

Clara: *_coincidentally_ wakes up and _just_ so happens to see it fly over her head* Huh? Hm, perhaps I should chase after it! Yes, that's a _brilliant_ idea! Golly jee, I'm so smart. *chases after it*

(About ten steps later)

Clara: *huff*……*wheeze*…..*gasp*…..Wait! Wait for—*gasp*—me! *searches through the bushes where it landed*

Moltenore: *big cutesy omfgkawaiidesudesu face*

Clara: Ah, so that's what you were! A Moltenore.

Moltenore: OH HAI. FLOWUR? *holds up an orchid*

Roxton: Well, it's no legen—

Clara: WHOA. SHIT. WHEN did _YOU_ suddenly sneak up behind me?

Roxton: …I'm _always_ behind you.

Clara: Uh.

Roxton: My preciousssssss—ssssssss…ssssssss.

Moltenore: I picked you flowerz. I herd u like themz. Yu takes nao?

Clara: Huh, these flowers look awfully familiar.

Roxton: Wow, did you think of that all by yourself? You're so smart, Clara. :D

Clara: I am seriously getting sick of your shit, Roxton. I am going to tie you up and leave you to the mercy of a group of rabid furries.

Roxton: *throws up a little in his mouth*

Clara: That's what I thought. Now, where have we seen these flowers before?

Roxton: Every place that damned book told us to go. ;_;

Clara: It's not a book, it's a _tome_. Get it right!

Roxton: Uptight, much?

Clara: No.

Roxton: Yes.

Clara: NO.

Roxton: Yep.

Clara: I am NOT uptight.

Roxton: Someone needs a back rub. ;D

Clara: We're getting off-topic. Could this flower business be coincidence?

Roxton: I don't believe in coincidence…

**END CH—**

Clara: Wait! What the hell kind of end line is _that_? It sucked. It in no ways piques my interest or compels me to read further.

Roxton: This _chapter_ sucked. Period.

Jordie: Where arr my speaking rines? I no have any! *flails*

Me: I did my best! You spoke in the spoof! D:

Clara: You want a cookie for it?

Roxton: You never offer _me_ any cookies… *tear*

Clara: *sigh* Would you like a cookie, Roxton?

Roxton: Is that code for 'hawt lovins'? ;D

Clara: Turn the camera away!

Me: Por qua?

Clara: I'm about to beat me some Lutari ass… *stomps toward Roxton with clenched fists*

Jordie: RUN, ROXTON! RUN!

Roxton: Does this mean I won't get any cookie? 8(

*camera clicks off to spare the readers*


	7. Chapter 7

So it's come to this…

**ATLAS OF THE ANCIENTS**

**Chapter 7**

_Setting: Our group is in the Ice Caves. DUN DUN DUNNNN_

Clara (reading the tome): There's a section in the tome that mentions a "crystal solution".

Roxton: *pulls out a bag of crystal meth* Heh heh, I got your crystal solution right here. ;D

Clara: …gee, I totally didn't see that lame attempt at a witty comedic response coming.

Roxton: That's because I'm just so damn funny, right?

*crickets chirp*

Jordie: …OH, ROOK, A CANDYCHAN. (Srsly wtf, there's just a random Candychan in this panel)

Candychan: Hay gaiz, 'sup?

Roxton: Just looking for the crystal solution, lil' dawg.

Jordie: You mean rike a srushie from the Snow Foods shop?

Clara: Wow, seriously, Jordie? A slushie? How the Hell did you come to that conclusion? Are you half-idiot or something?

Jordie: I just making suggestion. :'(

Roxton: Bad urchin! Bad! *whaps with newspaper* Only speak when you're spoken to! No suggestion-making!

Jordie: Aaah! *cringe* ;_;

Roxton: You know you're not allowed to be a retard! *whap*

Jordie: I sorry, master!

Roxton: No more fried rice for you for a week!

Jordie: *gasp* No, master! How I rive wivout rice!? I Asian! We no rive wivout rice!

Roxton: *whap whap whap* And what have I told you about stereotyping!? This is a children's website! *whap beat whap*

Clara: Right…because it's perfectly acceptable to expose children to acts of corporeal punishment.

Jordie: Prease, master! I never do it again!

Roxton: That's right you're not. Now go get me a comb...beating you tousled my perfectly groomed mustache.

Jordie: *sniff sniff* ;o; *crawls away in shame*

Clara: …*cough* Right. Um, what if the tome is referring to the "Heart of the Mountain"? It protected the Bori for centuries and helped defeat the Bringer of Night.

Roxton: I know—I did the plot. GOSH.

Clara: Well I think it qualifies as a "crystal solution".

Roxton: Why are you putting everything in quotes? Srsly.

Clara: You're supposed to say, "Perhaps you're onto something, Clara…I'd say it's worth looking into, because you're just so gosh darn smart and perfect."

_Script Guy: Uh, no, he's not supposed to add all the smart and perfect stuff…_

Jordie: *crawls up with a comb* H-here, m-master…

Roxton: Good urchin… *comb comb comb*

Clara (examining a wall of ice): Hmm, the markings on this ice are similar to those in the tome. I think we're close.

Roxton: But close to what?

Jordie: Hey guys, what's this?

*STEAM HORN FROZEN IN THE WALL OF ICE…WHAT THE CRAP*

Roxton: Ooh, something tells me this is what we're looking for.

Clara: Excellent, now give me the excavating tools.

Roxton and Jordie: *blank stare*

Clara: Um, guys, I need the tools to break the ice apart…

Roxton and Jordie: o___o

Clara: So no one brought them?

Roxton and Jordie: Buuuhhh…

Clara: *foreheadpalm* Great…just how are we supposed to free it from the ice?

Roxton: Oh, let's try clicking on it!

Clara: …with what.

Roxton: D:…WELL IT WORKED FOR EVERYONE ELSE!

_(Scene changes to the three outside again, walking down an icy path)_

Roxton: The little gadgets we keep finding are pretty random.

Clara: _Finding_, Roxton? You _stole_ the last one. From a water faerie.

Roxton: YOU were the one who pelted her with a slushie.

Jordie: Where the Herr you get srushie in Faelierand?

Roxton: Yeah really!

Jordie: Ironic, no? I stirr think srushie answer to our probrem!

Clara: Yeah…some _crystal_ this steam horn really is.

Jordie: I know what to do wiv it… *takes the horn and BLOOOOOWWWS*

*MOUNTAIN RRRRRUMMMMBBBLLLLLEEEESSS*

Clara: Youuuuu dipshit. We're on a freaking ICE MOUNTAIN. WITH ICE. AND SNOW.

Roxton: Everybody RUN!

Snow: I'MMA GET YU, RAWR.

Roxton: Dammit, urchin! If we weren't running for our lives I'd beat you so hard!

Clara: Quick, climb up that tree!

Snow: NOES! I CAN'T GET YU UP DER. ):

Roxton: Whew, that was a close call…

Jordie: Yeah rearry.

Roxton: Well, since we're stuck up here… *smacks Jordie*

**End Ch. 7**


	8. Chapter 8

They're taking the Hobbits _where_?

**ATLAS OF THE ANCIENTS**

**Chapter what, 8 now? I really couldn't care… x_x**

(Setting: Our gang is on the boat/ship/aircraft, heading God knows where…)

Roxton: Okay, we've been to every place that old Gnorbu told us to go to, and we have three fancy gadgets to show for it.

Jordie: GREAT SUCCESS.

Clara: But the players got a pretty background. Where's MY pretty background? )':

Roxton: Up your pretty arse. T___T Now where do we go next?

Clara: That's what I'm trying to figure out! Up until now, translating the runes has been fairly easy…but this last one is very frustrating.

Roxton: What? What's that I hear? Do mine ears deceive me? Do repeat that, dear Clara.

Clara: This last set of runes is very frustrating!

Roxton: One more time, please? :D

Clara: I said this last set of runes is frustrating!

Roxton: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! WHAT NOW?

Clara: I said this last set of—

Roxton: HAHAHAHAHAHOOHOOHAHA!

Clara: I said—

Roxton: HEEHEEHAHAHAHAHOOHAHA!

Clara: I—

Roxton: AHAHAHAHA!

Clara: *angry face not expressible with emoticons*

Roxton: *wipes away a tear*

Clara: WHAT is so funny, Mr. Colchester?

Roxton: You're dumb. :'D

Clara: Ex_cuse_ me!?

Roxton: *prances around the deck in a high-pitched voice* Ooh, look at me, I'm Clara! I think I'm so smart and pretty! I can't figure out a measly little set of runes! Tee hee~!

Clara: Oh yeah? Well let's see YOU figure it out!

Roxton: Hand it over.

Clara: Don't even bother. I've been over it again and again. I'm sure I've got it right but it's simply impossible. I have no idea where to start!

Roxton: You keep talking but all I hear is 'blah blah blah blah blaaaaah.'

Clara: Fine! *shoves the book into his arms* You try and figure out the clue! It says "common ground holds the key to destiny's door."

Roxton: Still just hearing 'blaaaaah'.

Clara: *huffs*

Roxton: Now, stand back and watch as my awesome comes into play. *takes a look*

Clara: You won't be able to figure it out. If _I_, a scholarly apprentice couldn't figure it out, what honestly makes you think _you_, some common explorer, could figure it out—

Roxton: Boom. Got it.

Clara: Wait, WUT.

Roxton: *holds up the book in front of her*

(You've all seen the comic panel…and if you haven't, there's a huge 'X' formed by the crossing paths the group had taken on previous journeys)

Clara: Yeah so?

Roxton: Maybe I'm just old fashioned, but it looks like a classic, albeit quite _OBVIOUS_, example of 'X' marks the spot.

Clara: …BUUUUHHHHHH.

Roxton: Yes. Let it soak in.

Clara: *stammering* B-b-but you…YOU—

Roxton: *inhales deeply* Aaah, the smell of triumph and win. :)

Clara: Fffffffffff!?

Roxton: Is that SHAME AND EMBARRASSMENT I see on your blushing cheeks?

Clara: I'M NOT EMBARRASSED. IT'S HOT, THAT'S ALL.

Roxton: Yeah, you're ashamed. ;D

Clara: NO. I'M NOT.

Roxton: *pelvic thrust of victory* Yeah. Eat it, byatch!

Clara: Roxton, I'm going to punch you so hard you—!

Roxton: To the Retard's Corner with you and your empty threats!

Clara: But—

Roxton: Stupid people go to the Retard Corner. Now!

Clara: I have a degree for this—!

Roxton: A degree in idiocy! Ooh, burn!

Clara: You're going to keep this up for a while, aren't you?

_HOURS LATER…_

Roxton: *still pelvic thrusting* I'mma beast, I'mma beast, I'mma amazing genius beast!

Jordie: Hey Roxton? You may want to rook at dis…

Roxton: JORDIE MAH BOOOOOOI…what can I do ya foooor?

Jordie: Rook at compass…it acting funny.

Compass Needle: *SEIZURE*

Clara: Don't worry boys, we're in the right place…

Roxton: Ha, I don't know if we should trust an idiot…and _what_ are you doing out of the corner!?

Clara: Well there's a huge picture of a volcano in the book and there's a huge volcano on the approaching island and… I DON'T KNOW A HUNCH MAYBE?

Roxton: Blah bibbity blah blah?

Clara: You're just angry that _you_ didn't make the connection.

Roxton: And _you've_ got the stupidest hairdo known to Neopia.

Clara: Uh—but—!

Roxton: Score. :D

**End Ch. 8**

**Roxton: 2 Clara: 0**


	9. Chapter 9

_You spin me right round, baby…_

**ATLAS OF THE ANCIENTS**

**Chapter 9  
**

_Setting: Our gang has landed on the obscure piece of land on the back of the Neopian map…Moltara._

Clara: Well, now that we're here, I guess we should be looking for some sort of sign… *waits for something to come smacking her in the face to derivatively indicate a 'sign'*

*nothing*

Clara: o.o…huh, well, that was most unexpec— *BUZZER FROM CHAPTER ONE CRASHES INTO HER FACE*

Roxton: ROFL!

Jordie: You were saying?

Clara: CURSE THIS JOURNEY! AAARGH.

Roxton: …*snort* There must be a path around here.

Jordie: How about this way?

Roxton: Aww, lookit my lil' urchin, bein' all helpful. :D

Jordie: *sigh* I am too tired of this f***ing _plot_ to even correct you on my name…

Unexpected Spyder: *jumps out in front of Clara!* BOO! LOL.

Clara: Aahhhhh!

Unexpected Spyder: I has string comin' out mah butt. :D

Clara: Ahem, well, this is…awkward? .__.

Path: Psst, hey, idjits. I'm over here.

Roxton: Oh, look, I found it!

Clara: Yeah, sure…

Jordie: Buh…do you think it's much farther?

Roxton: Nah, I don't think so. In fact…

_(they all stand before a big metal building, a securely fastened door in front)_

Roxton: …I think we've found our door.

Jordie: _Our_ door? Oh, boy! I always wanted my very own door!

Roxton: *sigh* Jordie… *rubs fingers to his temple*

Clara: We've got a slight problem.

Roxton: You're right. How do we get in?

Clara: Well, there's a keyhole, so there must be a key, right?

Roxton: Hehe, I bet I could find a key to fit _your_ keyhole…hehehe….giggity gig.

Clara: Hmm. *looks down at the tome* Maybe if I smack you hard enough with this, it'll knock some iota of intelligence into your brain.

Roxton: Pardon, but _who_ was the one who figured out our little 'x' marks the spot problem, hummmmm?

Clara: Then figure out our key problem, Mr. Colchester.

Roxton: Please, call me Captain Awesomestache. ;D

Clara: JUST FIND A KEY GODSPAMMIT! D_D

Roxton: Hey wait! I see something shiny! :o

Door Key: Oh look at meeee, I look like a flower to trick you! Hee~! Is it working?

Roxton: …yoink. *grabs it*

Door Key: Poopy. D:

Clara: Well, that was easy. Why bother locking a door if you're just going to leave the key sitting right next to it?

Jordie: Hey, no one tells you how to take care of YOUR door. *hugs it* _My_ door…

Roxton: Jordie, I thought we established what I meant when I said "found our door" and…damn it nevermind you're just stupid. T__T

Jordie: Durp. :D

Clara: Is no one going to answer my question?

Roxton: Were you talking?

Clara: *taps foot impatiently*

Roxton: ..right. Maybe it's not so much about keeping people like us out, but keeping something in?

Clara: Hmm, should—should we check it out?

Roxton: I say we go inside the big, dark building on a deserted volcanic island. I have a REALLY good feeling about it!

Clara: …sure whatever. Jordie, are you coming?

Jordie: *still clinging to the door* My door.

Clara: Yeah. We'll be back for you.

Roxton: GERONIMOOOO! *runs through the door…*

*…and over the side of cliff drop just five feet past the threshold*

Roxton: O_O SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII—*bangs against the sides of the jagged rock walls on the way down*

Clara: Huh, well… Looks like some kind of lift, but without a platform. Jordie, can you part yourself from your door long enough to get the parachutes from the ship?

Jordie: Sure thing. :3 *prances off*

Clara (yelling): Hey, Roxton! You all right?

Roxton (some x-hundred feet below): Akjhfsaj;wjkhfa!

Clara: Good to hear! Oh, look, parachutes.

Jordie: *hands her one* I feer all useful now! *eyes sparkle* 8D

Clara: For once. All right, get your parachute on.

Jordie: But—! There's no terring what we run into down der! We must be carefur…

Clara: NO TIME. *jumps over the edge* Weeeeeeeeeee!

Jordie: *shrugs* CANNONBALL! *leaps over*

Clara: Must…score…2,500…

Jordie: For what? O_o

Clara: Oh, um…nothing. Nothing.

Jordie: How far dis go down?

Clara: Not sure, but it's getting very hot. Maybe we're near the planet's core.

Jordie: Then Roxton farr a rong way down. :[

Roxton: x_x *bleeding*

Clara: *lands on him* Why thank you, Roxton! c:

Roxton: No—no problem… *bleeds more*

Clara: Golly gee! Who built all _this_?

Roxton: What do you mean all _this_? It's a lone oil pump, Clara…

Oil pump: If only I had a brain… *creak creak creak*

Roxton: Heh…maybe it was your _fire_ creatures, Clara.

Clara: If it was, Roxton, you'll be feeling pretty stupid in a bit. Now let's go, I see a light ahead.

(They all stand before the…rather _small_ city of Moltara. Small. Yet they are in awe.)

Clara: Wow…

Roxton: Yes, I know. My mustache is spectacular.

Clara: Not _you_, moron. Do you not see the teeming steampunk-themed city before us? You know, making all the attention-grabbing _noise_ and whatnot?

Roxton: O.O! INCREDIBLE!

Jordie: CHING PONG FONG! :O

Clara: I think we've found what we're looking for…

Roxton: Atlantis?

**End Ch. 9**


	10. Chapter 10

_I doesn't afraid of anything._

**ATLAS OF THE ANCIENTS**

**Chapter 10**

_Setting: FUCKING MOLTARA. YEEEEEAAAAAH!_

Clara: Wow, this is _AMAZING_. _Who_ would've _thought_? A _whole_ underground city just _waiting_ to be explored!

Roxton: Yeah! Think about all the treasure that might be hidden down here too! :D

Clara: Uh, Roxton, I was being sarcastic. See all the italics? See them?

Roxton: Psh. I was being serious. I'mma shallow bastard.

Jordie: I keep my mouf shut rike good Asian boy. :x

Mother Nature: Ha! You thought you could escape me, eh? *EARTHQUAKE*

Roxton: SHIIIIII-- *expertly slides down the side of a sheer drop, because he's so awesome 'n' stuff*

_(There is a conveniently placed, random Shoyru there at the bottom. What are the f***ing odds?)_

Roxton: HEY U.

Shoyru: HU ME.

Roxton: YEAH U.

Shoyru: LOLWUT.

Roxton: I need to speak with you!

Shoyru: LOLWUT?

Roxton: …I NEED 2 SPEAK WIT U, LOLZ

Shoyru: LOL KAYZ, WHAT ^?

Clara: Enough of this bullshit, Roxton. We need to find whoever's in charge! All of Neopia is in danger of IMPENDING DOOM and we need to find the course of the problem!

Shoyru: LEIK OMGZ UR FROM THE SURFACE WURLDZ??!!?!?11 COME WIT ME PLZ U SEE THE MAYOR!!111!!one

_(They run up to this Chomby with metal spikes… ttly hxc!!1)_

Shoyru: LOLZ MAYOR, dese ppl b from teh surface wurldz!!1 THEY LIEK, R HERE 2 HALP.

Chomby: …God you're such an idiot. =____=

Shoyru: ROFL

Chomby: Just…stop talking.

Roxton: Dude, srsly, shit is about to hit the fan up top.

Chomby: Same down here. I shall explain what has happened as best I can, for I have a white mustache, and it goes all the way around my head. It is proof of my wisdom.

Roxton: THANK-(beep)ING-GOD. A (beep)ing EXPLANATION FOR THIS (beep)ING DOOM. (beep)!!!

Chomby: Of course…walk with me. I will also show you.

Clara: Yay! A tour! :D

Chomby: Long ago, Neopia was in trouble, much like it is now. The great minds of the time determined that the source of the trouble was coming from the planet's core.

Roxton: The CORE?!

Chomby: The CORE.

Roxton: Tell me MORE…about the CORE.

Jordie: …*facepalms at the lameness*

Chomby: A team of scientist and other smart assholes were sent on an expedition to find and fix the problem. What they found was a very unstable core. They built this core stabilizing unit and Neopia was saved!

Shoyru: LOLZ BUT WAIT, DERE'S MOAR.

Chomby: Alas, the unit's material wore down, causing it to gradually become less efficient. We knew a team from the surface would come with replacement materials, but when the unit shut down and you still hadn't arrived—

Clara: GOD YOU'RE AS BORING AS THE OLD GNORBU BACK HOME. Just take these items we picked up and stfu!

Shoyru: LIKE OMGZ HAY, I CAN USE DOSE PARTZ TO LIEK, REPAIR TEH SYSTEMZ!!11one

Chomby: They were left behind for an emergency such as this.

Roxton: Well if they were meant for emergency, why were they such a pain in the ass to acquire!?

Jordie: God hates you.

Shoyru: *holds up a contraption she made with the parts* LOLZ LETS DO DIS SHIT. *puts it inside the stabilizing unit*

Roxton: Well? Did it work?

Shoyru: WELL START IT UP, SRZLY U GAIZ DO I HAVE 2 DO EVERYTING.

Roxton: W00t. Who knew it'd be this easy? Let's go celebrate! Vodka and Jägermeister!

Chomby: Wait. Something's wrong.

Roxton: *pauses pouring a shot* Que?

Stabilizing Unit: *FWOOSH*

Roxton: …ah, shit.

Jordie: ROOK OUT. :O

Shoyru: WAIT, I NOEZ WHAT I DIDZ RONG U GAIZ. D:

Roxton: No time for that—run!!

Shoyru: I NOEZ HOW TO FIX IT!!!11 Oh but dere's no wai I can liek get dere with all that lava flowin' out, lulz.

Chomby: There might be a way…soon after arriving here, a group of settlers that felt they'd been ostracized left to go form their own emo colony. *sagely nod*

Roxton: Ooh, big words hurt my tiny, shallow, vain explorer brain. Ostramacized?

Chomby: …right. They might be able to help up us, but…

Roxton: BUT? T_T

Chomby: They sort of…live beyond that cavern.

Roxton: Uh, in case you hadn't noticed, Lutari aren't meant to fly.

Shoyru: *hands him a pair of mechanical, steam-powered wings* LIEK, DESE WILL HALP U. I'LL GO WIT U MMKAYZ?

_(Next panel shows them flying over the lava)_

Roxton: WEEEEEEEEEEEEE! This defies every law of gravityyyyyyyy!

Shoyru: Lolz science.

**End Ch. 10**

Clara: Seriously? What the Hell, you guys? I had like THREE lines in this chapter!

Jordie: My rine just added so I have something to say.

Me: t(-_-t)


	11. Chapter 11

_Staying dignified…staying dignified…who are we kidding, this plot wiped out TNT's dignity_

**ATLAS OF THE ANCIENTS  
Chapter 11**

_Setting: Roxton and that Shoyru mechanic are flying across MOLTEN HOT MAGMA to find their "ostracized" brethren…_

Shoyru: I just noez dey has 2 b 'round heer somewherz!!1

Roxton: …wat.

Shoyru: *points off in the distance* LOLS OVER DEREZ!!11one!

_(The other pets are fighting a HOOJ MAGMA MONSTER OMG)_

Roxton: Looks like we're just in time…

Magma Monster: GROAARRR!!! *takes a swipe at Roxton*

Roxton: :O!! OH NO YOU DIDN'T, GIRLFRIEND.

Shoyru: OMGZ LUK OUT IT'S GOT ARMS.

Roxton: Oh, you asked for it now, firebreath!

Shoyru: Srsly, he cud liek, die frum dat horrible insult, lolz.

Roxton: *rams his body into a group of stalactites* EAT STALAGMITE!

Shoyru: …lolz u mean 'stalactite'

Roxton: WHATEVER. JUST EAT IT.

Magma Monster: Wrrryyyyyyyyy!?! *gets stabbed by the stalactites and sinks into the magma ever-so-dramatically*

Roxton: Gone so soon? I was just getting warmed up! Ha, get it? Warmed up? Because we're surrounded by hot stuff?

Shoyru: Lolz.

Magma neopets: =|

Roxton: Oh, come on! That was hilarious!

_Me: Okay, let me get this straight…the __magma__ monster was defeated by falling into __magma__?_

Roxton: Damn straight!

_Me: And you killed this magma monster by impaling it with…rocks?_

Roxton: Yup. :D

_Me: So rock beats…magma?_

Roxton: Ayep!

_Me: But…that doesn't make __any__ sense._

Roxton: Uh…*shifting eyes* I'm just…that awesome?

Magma Grarrl: I AM INTIMIDATING. WHAT BUSINESS DO YOU HAVE IN THESE CAVES, OUTSIDER? BLAARGH?

Roxton: We're looking for someone who can help us!

Magma Grarrl: RAAARRGH WE DON'T DEAL WITH STRANGERS FROM THE OUTSIDE WORLD. RAAARGH INTIMIDATING.

Magma Gnorbu: Stfu, you idiot. Stop trying to be all big and scary and show some _fucking manners_.

Magma Grarrl: :'c *sniffles*

Magma Gnorbu: Now, dear guests… I have been expecting you. I have read the signs in the magma and knew this day would come, for I am full of wisdom.

Roxton: Wisdom, eh? Well where's your white beard, huh?

Magma Gnorbu: I have a _fire_ beard. That's infinitely better. Care to touch it?

Roxton: Um, no, I'm good…

Magma Gnorbu: No, please, I insist.

Roxton: No, really, I'm good.

Shoyru: We needz ur halps plz!

Magma Gnorbu: Of course. We will do what we can.

Roxton: Good, because we have no time to lose and it's a long way back through those tunnels.

Magma Gnorbu: Har har har, silly Lutari. I have an uber pwnsome dragon-thing that we can ride on!

Roxton: …sounds trippy.

Magma Gnorbu: Off we goooooo!

_(Scene shifts back to Moltara)_

Jordie: HERE THEY COME! 8D

Roxton: Here we come! :D

Chomby Mayor: We were beginning to worry. *sad face*

Roxton: If you don't mind, let's just skip the reunion for now. There's work to do.

Clara: Oh, he's so witty. :)

Stabilizer Unit: Uh, guys, magma's spewing out of my top at a rather uncontrolled rate… DO SOMETHING.

Magma Gnorbu: We will take care of the magma. Concentrate, my students!

*All of the magma pets link hands together and stand in a circle around the stabilizer unit*

Magma Pets: Ohm…ohm… OHMMMM

_(The Moltara pets loop ropes around the detached pipe from the stabilizer)_

Chomby Mayor: Pull those ropes!

*CHAPTER UBRUPTLY ENDS BECAUSE OF SOME LAME ACTIVITY THE NEOPETS PLAYERS HAVE TO DO*

**End Ch. 11**


	12. THE END?

Itsy was so disgusted with this plot that she decided to quit the spoof at chapter 11.

So go home.

Scram.

Get out of here.

Leave.

Be gone.

Go poof.

Exit.

Beat it.

Move on.

Vacate the premises.

Gtfo.

Or if you didn't believe me for a second, continue reading, 'cause this is…

…**ATLAS OF THE ANCIENTS  
Chapter 12!**

_Setting: Still Moltara… yay. A little green Mynci is atop the stabilizing unit, tightening a bolt or something._

Shoyru: HOW WE DOIN UP DER?

Mynci mechanic: Everything looks good!

Shoyru: 'Kayz we triez again.

Stabilizing Unit: YOU FIXED ME. :'D

Jordie: IT'S TALKING! OH SHI-

Everyone: Hooray!!!

Clara: Three whole exclamation marks, we're _that_ excited.

Chomby Mayor: Thank you so much for coming to our aid.

Roxton (cocky grin): Well I don't mean to sound conceited, hehehe…

Magma Gnorbu: He was talking to me. T_T

Roxton: What, I don't get any thanks?!

Jordie: Didn't you get _enough_ attention from Jurry to the Rost Isle prot?

Roxton: With an ego as big as MINE? Are you kidding?

Clara: *jabs him in the ribs* You're ruining this perfectly sappy Kodak moment, stupid!

Magma Gnorbu: Ahem… It is to the aid of all Neopia that we come this day, but you are most welcome. It has been too long that our people have remained apart. It is time for us to once again walk amongst our fellow Neopians as brothers!

Mynci mechanic: WOO-HOOOO! Where all da magma women at? 8D

Roxton: *snores*

Clara: *would jab him again, but fell asleep at the Gnorbu's boring speech as well*

_(Chomby Mayor and Gnorbu shake hands)_

Mayor: Well put, sir. Well put indeed.

Gnorbu: Quite.

Mayor: Indubitably!

Gnorbu: I say!

Mayor: A spot of tea, old chap?

Gnorbu: I should very well say so, old bean! *dons monocle*

Everyone: o__o…

Jordie: Dat rooks rike it would hurt…shaking hands.

Gnorbu: I assure you, my boy, it's quite safe. *pats Jordie's head*

*Jordie's hat catches on fire*

Gnorbu: Um, oops. Lol.

Mayor (to Roxton): Now for you… *mutters* All you had to do was wait… Neopia owes you a great debt of gratitude!

Roxton: Gratitude? That's their debt? I don't want _gratitude_, I want unlimited free visits to the salon! My mustache needs grooming at least eight times a week! D:

Clara: *jabs him again* Don't mind him, Mayor. We were glad to help!

Mayor: If there's anything we can do for you, just name it.

Jordie: Werr, dere is _one_ thing… :D

Roxton: Porn? Say porn. Or an Xbox. Or Xbox porn.

_SOME TIME LATER… Back at Old Gnorbu's from Chapter 1…_

Roxton: And then they threw us the best party EVER. I'm telling you, they've got some neat stuff down there!

Clara: But you still didn't get your Xbox porn. :|

Roxton: No. No, I did not. U_U

Old Gnorbu: Fascinating! I would love to see it for myself.

Roxton: What, the porn?

Old Gnorbu: Well, since you offered...wait, no! No, I meant Moltara!

Clara: Sure you did.

Roxton: Well, they're going to reopen the entrance, so you can visit them whenever you like.

Old Gnorbu: Excellent! And what of the fire monster myths? Do you think it was these magma pets all along?

Clara: Uh, duuuuh.

Roxton: Well, I don't think we can attribute ALL stories to them. There are still some monsters out there. Believe me, I know.

Super gigantic petpetpet from the Lost Isle #1: Hey, my ears are burning…

Super gigantic petpetpet from the Lost Isle #2: Yeah, mine too. That bastard must be talking about us again!

Roxton: BUT YEAH, they've had to make supply trips to the surface over the years, mostly at night. And then there are the occasional kids looking for a bit of adventure…

Old Gnorbu: *pedospies on the Yurble and Kacheek from chapter 1* Ah, children…so full of life…so full of youth… I will steal one of them later. Speaking of wonderfully helpless children, where has that particularly adorable friend of yours run off to?

Roxton: Why…?

Old Gnorbu: No reason; it's not like I'm planning to abduct and molest him later, of course.

Roxton: Oh, okay. I think he's out showing off his souvenir.

_(Jordie is outside, riding atop the dragon-thing that could swim in lava from chapter 11.)_

Jordie: Check out my ride. I installed leather seats and speakers in the back. B)

Kacheek: Pimpin', bro.

Yurble: W0rd.

**End…?**

_Ha, since when do you know me to conclude at the actual end? We've got interviews to be had, people!_

_Soooo, first off, Mr. Colchester, how did you enjoy the plot?_

Roxton: Are you kidding? I LOVED it.

_And why is that?_

Roxton: 'Cause I was in it, duuurrr.

_Right… and what was your favorite part about the plot?_

Roxton: Showing off my awesomeness.

…_Clara! What was your favorite part?_

Clara: I got to point at things. :D

_And you, Jordie?_

Jordie: Go 'way, I eating fry rice.

_*sigh* You guys aren't very good at this, are you?_

Old Gnorbu: Have you seen my beard? It is proof of my infinite wisdom.

Roxton: Anybody wanna touch my mustache?

_Um, I think we'll just end it here, if that's all right with you. I hope you enjoyed the spoof, guys. Rest assured I'll be doing another one next time. Until then…enjoy your plot prizes! (Whenever they're released, anyway.)_


End file.
